How to Support a Loved One After Pregnancy or Infant Loss
Many people want to help when someone they love experiences pregnancy or infant loss—but they hesitate out of fear: of saying the wrong thing, of making things worse, or of not knowing what to do. That fear can lead to silence, and silence often deepens isolation. Thoughtful, informed support, however small, can make a profound difference in how a grieving person feels seen, held, and less alone. In this post, you’ll find guidance on what to say, what to avoid, and how to show up lovingly—and how counseling in New York can offer deeper support when words alone aren’t enough.
Understanding What They’re Going Through
The Unique Pain of Perinatal Grief
Losing a pregnancy or infant is a traumatic life event that often brings grief reactions similar to losing a child. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3384447/
Because the loss is often invisible—to the public, to friends, to family—grief can feel unacknowledged or dismissed.
Perinatal loss also carries elements of identity disruption: the grief of a parenthood dream interrupted or broken.
Many individuals and partners experience clinically significant distress: anxiety, depression, even post-traumatic stress. In one study, nearly one in three women developed PTSD symptoms after early pregnancy loss. (Evidence NIHR)
Recognizing the Signs of Deep Grief
You might notice among loved ones:
Persistent sadness, tearfulness, or emotional numbness
Difficulty sleeping, appetite changes, fatigue
Withdrawal or avoidance of social contact
Guilt, shame, self-blame
Anger—at self, at fate, at medical systems
Difficulty concentrating or functioning in daily life
Fixation on “what if” or rumination
Physical pain or somatic symptoms (which often accompany grief)
Expressing that they feel unseen, misunderstood, or “messed up”
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and it doesn't resolve neatly. What feels helpful in one phase may not in another.
What to Say (and What Not to Say)
Words That Offer Comfort
Here are gentle phrases that can open space, rather than close it:
“I’m here if you want to talk or share.”
“Your loss matters. I’m so sorry this happened.”
“I can’t fully understand, but I want to sit with you in this.”
“It’s okay to feel whatever you're feeling right now.”
“I’m holding you in my heart.”
“Would it help if I just listened, cried with you, or sit quietly?”
These phrases acknowledge their pain without rushing toward positivity or trying to “fix” things.
Phrases to Avoid
These common attempts often unintentionally hurt more than help:
“At least you can try again.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“You’re young, you’ll have another.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“You should be over this by now.”
“God needed another angel.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Even if well-intended, these phrases can minimize, dismiss, or push the grieving person to suppress their emotions.
Simple Ways to Show Support
Acts of Care That Make a Difference
Small, consistent gestures often mean the most:
Send a text or card saying you’re thinking of them—no need for long messages
Drop off a meal, groceries, or gift cards
Offer to take over chores (laundry, errands, childcare)
Sit with them—offer your presence, even if nothing is said
Be available for calls, video check-ins, or quiet check-ins
Bring comforting items: journal, blanket, flowers, memorial object
Share a memory, name the baby if you know it, or ask for permission to remember
Help with memorial tasks (writing, planting, crafting) if invited.
When to Encourage Professional Help
Support from friends and family is essential, but some wounds run deeper. You might gently encourage therapy when:
Their grief is overwhelming, unrelenting, or impairs daily function
They express thoughts of self-harm or hopelessness
They fear reaching out to others
They verbalize longing for professional help but don’t know where to start
You can say: “I wonder if talking with someone who understands perinatal grief might feel supportive. I’d be glad to help you explore that.”
Encouraging Hope and Connection
Helping Them Remember Their Baby or Loss
Honoring the memory of the baby can bring comfort and validate the loss:
Ask if they’d like to share stories, see ultrasound photos, or write a letter
Suggest a memorial ritual (lighting a candle, planting a tree, creating a keepsake)
Acknowledge anniversaries, milestones, or due dates
Encourage creating meaning (donations, memory box, writing)
Be open to hearing the baby’s name and what the baby meant
These acts do not “cure” grief—but they affirm that the baby’s life mattered.
Where to Find Resources in New York
While your support is vital, connecting to broader resources helps:
Safe to Sleep® offers national infant-loss grief resources. safetosleep.nichd.nih.gov
Local grief support groups in NYC, Long Island, and across New York State
Peer bereavement communities (in person or online)
Specialized perinatal loss therapists who understand grief after miscarriage and infant death
At Evolving Through Grief Counseling Services, I offer virtual therapy across New York—including Long Island and NYC—specializing in loss, miscarriage support, and grief work. You don’t have to face this alone.
Final Thoughts
Supporting someone after pregnancy or infant loss is an act of love, patience, and humility. You may feel unsure—but doing what you can with sincerity matters deeply. Compassionate presence, willingness to listen, and reminders of love go farther than perfect words.
If you or someone you care about is navigating miscarriage or infant loss and would value grief-informed counseling, you can schedule counseling in Long Island / New York with me. I’m here to help hold the emotional weight and walk alongside toward healing.
