Caring for Your Parent While Raising Your Kids: A Therapist's Guide to Sandwich Generation Burnout
You're trying to help your child with homework while fielding calls from your parent's doctor. You're scheduling your dad's medical appointments around your daughter's soccer practice. You're lying awake at night worrying about everyone except yourself.
You're exhausted. You're overwhelmed. And you're probably feeling guilty for even thinking about your own needs.
If this sounds familiar, you're part of what's called the "sandwich generation" - adults caring for aging parents while raising their own children. And you're likely experiencing caregiver burnout.
I'm Lindsay Fernandez, a licensed mental health counselor in New York who specializes in supporting caregivers. I'm also someone who's lived this. I cared for my mother during her mental health struggles while being a mother myself. I know how crushing this dual responsibility can feel.
Let me walk you through what's happening, why it's so hard, and how to get support before you completely burn out.
What Is Sandwich Generation Burnout?
Sandwich generation burnout happens when you're pulled in so many directions that you lose yourself in the process. You're not just tired - you're depleted on every level: physically, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes financially.
You're managing:
Your parent's healthcare, finances, living situation, and emotional needs
Your children's school, activities, emotional development, and daily care
Your own work, relationships, household, and (maybe) self-care
The grief of watching your parent decline
The guilt of never doing enough for anyone
It's not sustainable. And it's not supposed to be.
Why This Is So Much Harder Than Anyone Understands
People who aren't in your situation often minimize what you're going through. "Everyone's busy," they say. "Just take a bath and practice self-care."
But sandwich generation caregiving isn't just "busy." It's a specific kind of stress that compounds in ways others don't see.
You're grieving while caregiving
Watching your parent age, decline, or struggle with illness is a form of anticipatory grief. You're mourning their independence, their health, the parent they used to be, and the future you thought you'd have with them - all while trying to care for them with love and patience.
You're parenting with divided attention
Your kids need you, but you're constantly distracted by your parent's needs. You miss school events because of medical appointments. You're emotionally unavailable because you're processing your parent's diagnosis. And then you feel tremendous guilt for not being "present" enough.
Your relationships suffer
Your partner may be supportive, but they can't fully understand the weight you're carrying. Your siblings may help less than you need them to (or you feel they should). Your friendships fade because you have no time or energy for social connection.
You're making impossible decisions
Should you move your parent into a facility or bring them into your home? Should you quit your job to provide more care? Should you use your kids' college fund for your parent's medical bills? There are no good answers, only choices that all feel wrong.
No one acknowledges the financial strain
Caregiving often means reduced work hours, out-of-pocket medical expenses, home modifications, and more. The financial stress compounds the emotional stress, but it's rarely discussed openly.
You're doing emotional labor no one sees
Beyond the physical tasks, you're managing everyone's feelings. Your parent's fear and frustration. Your children's confusion about what's happening to grandma or grandpa. Your own complicated emotions. You're the emotional buffer for your entire family.
Signs You're Burning Out
Caregiver burnout doesn't happen overnight. It creeps up slowly until one day you realize you can barely function. Here's what it looks like:
Physical signs:
Exhaustion that sleep doesn't fix
Getting sick more often
Tension headaches or body pain
Changes in appetite or sleep
Relying on caffeine, alcohol, or other substances to cope
Emotional signs:
Feeling resentful toward your parent, your kids, or both
Crying easily or feeling numb
Irritability and short temper
Feeling helpless or hopeless
Losing interest in things that used to bring you joy
Mental signs:
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Forgetting appointments or tasks
Feeling overwhelmed by simple decisions
Constant worry and rumination
Feeling like you're failing everyone
Behavioral signs:
Withdrawing from friends and activities
Snapping at people you love
Avoiding time with your parent or your kids
Procrastinating on important tasks because you're overwhelmed
The Guilt That Keeps You Stuck
Let's talk about the elephant in the room: guilt.
You feel guilty for:
Resenting the caregiving role
Not spending enough time with your kids
Not doing enough for your parent
Wanting your own life back
Considering facility care for your parent
Being angry at your parent for being sick or needy
Wishing things were different
Taking any time for yourself
This guilt is what keeps you running on empty. You think if you just try harder, do more, sleep less, sacrifice more, you'll finally feel like you're enough.
But you won't. Because the problem isn't that you're not doing enough. The problem is that the expectations are impossible.
Why "Self-Care" Advice Misses the Mark
Everyone tells caregivers to "practice self-care." Take a bubble bath. Do yoga. Go for a walk.
And while these things aren't bad, they're like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. They don't address the structural problem: you're doing too much, and you need actual support, not just stress relief.
Self-care for sandwich generation caregivers looks like:
Setting boundaries with family members
Asking for and accepting help
Recognizing what's not your responsibility
Letting go of perfectionism
Giving yourself permission to not do it all
These are much harder than taking a bath, but they're what actually prevent burnout.
What You Actually Need (And How to Get It)
Distribute the labor
If you have siblings, it's time for an honest conversation about shared responsibility. Even if they live far away, they can handle phone calls, research, financial management, or other tasks.
If you don't have siblings or your family isn't helpful, look into community resources: meal delivery services, transportation assistance, adult day programs, respite care.
You cannot do this alone. And you shouldn't have to.
Set boundaries you can actually maintain
This doesn't mean abandoning your parent or neglecting your kids. It means recognizing what you can realistically do and communicating those limits.
"Mom, I can come by on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I can't come every day."
"I can manage your medications, but I need you to work with the home health aide for personal care."
Boundaries aren't selfish. They're what allow you to keep showing up without completely falling apart.
Process your grief
You're not just stressed - you're grieving. Grieving your parent's decline. Grieving the childhood your kids are having because of these circumstances. Grieving the life you planned before caregiving became necessary.
This grief needs space. It needs acknowledgment. It needs processing, not just pushing through.
Communicate with your kids (in age-appropriate ways)
Your children know something is happening. They feel your stress even if you don't talk about it. Age-appropriate honesty helps them understand and reduces their anxiety.
For young kids: "Grandma is sick and needs help right now, so I'm helping take care of her. That's why I seem busy sometimes."
For teens: "I'm struggling to balance taking care of Grandpa and being present with you. I want you to know I'm working on it, and if you need me, I'm here."
Consider facility care without guilt
If you're considering assisted living or a nursing home for your parent, you're not giving up or being selfish. You're recognizing that they may need more care than one person can provide.
Professional care facilities have staff, resources, and expertise that you don't have as an individual caregiver. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is ensure they have proper care while you preserve your ability to be their child, not just their caregiver.
When to Seek Professional Support
You don't have to wait until you're in crisis to get therapy. In fact, earlier support often prevents crisis altogether.
Consider therapy if:
You're feeling constantly overwhelmed and can't see a way forward
Your relationships are suffering because of your stress
You're experiencing physical symptoms of burnout
You're struggling with anticipatory grief about your parent
You need help setting boundaries or navigating family dynamics
You're feeling resentful, angry, or numb
In therapy, we work on:
Processing the grief of watching your parent decline
Managing the emotional burden of caregiving
Setting sustainable boundaries
Navigating difficult family conversations
Finding ways to be present with your kids despite your stress
Addressing caregiver guilt and resentment
I use approaches like narrative therapy (rewriting the story you're telling yourself about your role), emotional focused therapy (processing the complex feelings that come up), and mindfulness-based techniques (managing overwhelming moments in real time).
You're Not Alone in This
If you're reading this and thinking "this is exactly what I'm going through," I want you to know: you're not alone. So many adults are navigating this impossible situation.
You're not weak for struggling. You're not selfish for wanting support. You're not failing because you can't do everything perfectly.
You're a human being with limits, and you deserve care too.
Getting Support in New York
At Evolving Through Grief Counseling Services, I provide online therapy throughout New York State specifically for caregivers navigating these challenges.
I'm not just a therapist who specializes in caregiver burnout - I've lived it. I was my mother's caregiver during her mental health struggles while being a mother myself. I understand the weight of this dual role in a way that goes beyond clinical training.
If you're ready to get support, contact me to schedule a free consultation. We'll talk about what you're experiencing and how therapy can help you navigate this season of life without losing yourself completely.
You deserve support. Your stress is real. And you don't have to keep doing this alone.
Lindsay Fernandez, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor specializing in caregiver support, anxiety, grief therapy, postpartum mental health, and life transitions. With personal experience as both a caregiver and a mother, she provides compassionate, practical support to adults navigating the complexities of the sandwich generation. She offers online therapy throughout New York State through Evolving Through Grief Counseling Services.
