Postpartum Depression vs. Postpartum Grief
What No One Talks About
You just had a baby. Everyone keeps telling you how blessed you are, how magical this time must be.
But instead, you're sad. Not in the way people describe postpartum depression with the screaming and the inability to bond. You love your baby. You're taking care of them. But there's this deep, aching sadness that no one seems to understand.
You might be experiencing postpartum grief, and almost no one is talking about it.
I'm Lindsay Fernandez, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in New York who specializes in postpartum mental health. I'm also a mother. And I want to validate something that might feel confusing: you can be grieving and grateful at the same time.
What Is Postpartum Grief?
Postpartum grief is the sense of loss that comes with becoming a mother. And yes, I said loss even though you gained something incredible.
Here's what you might be grieving:
Your former identity. You're no longer just "you." You're someone's mother now, and while that's beautiful, it can also feel like you've lost parts of yourself.
Your freedom and autonomy. Your time, your body, your choices are no longer entirely your own. You can't just decide to go somewhere or do something without planning around another person's needs.
Your relationships. The way you connect with your partner has changed. Your friendships look different. Even your relationship with your own parents has shifted.
Your body. Whether you're struggling with physical changes, birth trauma, or simply mourning the body you had before, this is a real and valid loss.
The fantasy of motherhood. Maybe you imagined it would feel different. Maybe you thought you'd feel more connected, more fulfilled, more like yourself. The gap between expectation and reality can be devastating.
Your career or professional identity. Whether you're returning to work or staying home, something has shifted in how you see yourself professionally and how the world sees you.
All of these losses can coexist with love for your baby. This isn't about not wanting your child. It's about acknowledging that even wanted, beautiful changes come with grief.
How Postpartum Grief Is Different From Postpartum Depression
Here's where it gets confusing: postpartum grief and postpartum depression (PPD) can look similar, and sometimes they overlap. But they're not the same thing.
Postpartum Depression typically includes:
Persistent feelings of sadness, emptiness, or hopelessness
Difficulty bonding with your baby
Intrusive thoughts about harming yourself or your baby
Severe anxiety or panic attacks
Feeling like you can't take care of your baby
Loss of interest in everything, including your baby
Changes in sleep beyond what's normal with a newborn
Feeling like your baby would be better off without you
Postpartum Grief typically includes:
Sadness mixed with love and joy
Mourning your old life while adjusting to your new one
Feeling capable as a mother but sad about what you've lost
Missing the freedom you used to have
Feeling disconnected from yourself, not necessarily from your baby
Wondering "who am I now?"
Feeling guilty for not being happier
Feeling isolated because no one else seems to feel this way
The key difference: With postpartum depression, you often struggle to function or connect with your baby. With postpartum grief, you're functioning and bonding, but there's a persistent sadness about the life transition itself.
"But I Wanted This Baby"
This is what stops so many of us from seeking help or even admitting how we feel. You wanted this. You maybe even struggled to get pregnant. You feel like you have no right to be sad.
But let me be very clear: wanting something doesn't mean you can't grieve the changes it brings.
You can love your baby fiercely and still miss your old life. You can be grateful for your child and still mourn your freedom. You can be a wonderful mother and still feel lost about who you are now.
These feelings don't make you a bad mother. They make you human.
Why No One Talks About This
Our culture has a serious problem with allowing mothers to have complex feelings. We're supposed to be glowing, grateful, and endlessly fulfilled by motherhood.
When you're struggling, people offer two narratives:
"You're just hormonal. Baby blues. It'll pass."
"You might have postpartum depression. Have you talked to your doctor?"
Both responses, while well-meaning, can miss what you're actually experiencing. You're not just hormonal, and you don't necessarily have PPD. You're grieving, and that's a normal response to massive life change.
But because we don't talk about postpartum grief, mothers suffer in silence. They think they're the only ones feeling this way. They feel guilty and ashamed for not being happier.
When Postpartum Grief and PPD Overlap
Sometimes postpartum grief can develop into postpartum depression, especially without support. And sometimes they coexist from the beginning.
You should talk to a healthcare provider about PPD if:
Your sadness is all-consuming and you can't function
You're having thoughts about harming yourself or your baby
You feel completely disconnected from your baby
You're having severe panic attacks or intrusive thoughts
You can't sleep even when your baby sleeps
You feel like you're a danger to yourself or others
If you're experiencing these symptoms, please reach out for help immediately by calling 988 or calling the 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262), a support line for new mothers and pregnant persons. Postpartum depression is treatable, and you deserve support.
What Helps With Postpartum Grief
Unlike PPD, which often requires professional treatment and sometimes medication, postpartum grief responds incredibly well to validation, support, and creating space for your feelings.
Give yourself permission to grieve
Stop telling yourself you shouldn't feel this way. Your feelings are valid. Period.
Name what you've lost
Actually identify what you're mourning. Your independence? Your body? Your relationship with your partner? Your career identity? Naming it makes it less overwhelming.
Find your people
Not the people who tell you to "enjoy every moment" or "it goes so fast." Find the mothers who will let you say "I love my baby and I also miss my old life" without trying to fix you or make you feel guilty.
Create small moments of self-connection
You don't need hours at the spa. You need moments where you're you, not just mom. Even five minutes matters.
Rewrite the narrative
You're not transitioning from "your old life" to "your new life." You're evolving. Parts of you remain. Parts of you are growing. Parts of you are grieving. All of these things can be true at once.
When to Seek Therapy for Postpartum Grief
You don't have to wait until you're in crisis. Therapy can help if:
Your grief feels overwhelming and you can't process it alone
You're feeling isolated and need someone who understands
You want help navigating this transition without losing yourself
You're struggling to communicate your feelings to your partner
You need permission to grieve from someone who gets it
In therapy, I create space for all your feelings without judgment. We work on maintaining your sense of self while embracing motherhood. We acknowledge what you've lost while helping you build what's next.
A Note on Birth Trauma
Sometimes postpartum grief is specifically tied to a traumatic birth experience. If your birth didn't go as planned, if you felt powerless or unsafe, if you experienced medical complications or a loss during pregnancy, your grief may be compounded by trauma.
This is a specific type of postpartum grief that often requires specialized support. If this is you, please know that what happened to you matters, and healing is possible.
You're Not Alone
If you're reading this and recognizing yourself, please hear this: you are not alone. So many mothers feel exactly what you're feeling but don't say it out loud.
You're not broken. You're not ungrateful. You're not a bad mother.
You're a person experiencing massive change, and grief is a normal part of that process.
Moving Forward
At Evolving Through Grief Counseling Services, I work with mothers throughout New York State via online therapy. Whether you're dealing with postpartum grief, postpartum depression, or a mix of both, there's space for you here.
I approach postpartum support with emotional focused therapy, narrative therapy, and mindfulness-based techniques. We work together to help you process your feelings, reconnect with yourself, and find a way forward that honors both who you were and who you're becoming.
You don't have to white-knuckle your way through this transition. You don't have to pretend you're fine when you're not. And you certainly don't have to do it alone.
If you have any questions or are ready to talk, contact me here. Let's create space for all of your feelings, not just the ones people expect you to have.
You deserve support. Your grief deserves attention. And you can love your baby while also mourning what you've lost.
Lindsay Fernandez, LMHC, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor specializing in postpartum mental health, grief therapy, life transitions, and caregiver support. As both a therapist and a mother, she provides compassionate, real-world support to parents navigating the complexities of postpartum life. She offers online therapy throughout New York State through Evolving Through Grief Counseling Services.
