5 Signs You Need Grief Counseling (And Why That's Okay)
If you're reading this, you're probably wondering if what you're feeling is "normal grief" or if you actually need help. Maybe someone suggested therapy and you brushed it off. Maybe you've been telling yourself you should be over it by now.
I'm Lindsay Fernandez, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in New York who specializes in grief counseling, and I want you to know something right away: there's no shame in needing support through grief. In fact, recognizing when you need help is one of the strongest things you can do.
Let me share the signs I see most often in people who reach out to me, usually after months or even years of struggling alone.
1. Your Grief Feels Like It's Getting Worse, Not Better
You expected grief to gradually fade, but instead it feels like it's intensifying. Months have passed since your loss, and you're somehow feeling worse than you did in the beginning.
This isn't a sign that something is wrong with you. Sometimes grief hits hardest once the shock wears off and reality sets in. Other times, we suppress our feelings to get through the immediate aftermath, and they surface later with force.
What this looks like: You're crying more now than you did at the funeral. You can't stop thinking about your person. Small reminders completely derail your day. You feel like you're moving backward instead of forward.
2. You're Avoiding Everything That Reminds You of Your Loss
Avoidance is one of the most common ways we try to manage overwhelming grief. You skip the coffee shop you used to go to together. You can't bring yourself to sort through their belongings. You avoid mutual friends because talking about your person is too painful.
While some avoidance is normal initially, long-term avoidance keeps you stuck. It prevents you from processing your loss and can actually prolong your pain.
What this looks like: You've restructured your entire life to avoid reminders. You feel panic when something unexpectedly triggers a memory. You're exhausted from the mental effort of dodging your grief.
3. Your Relationships Are Suffering
Grief doesn't just affect your relationship with the person you lost. It impacts every relationship in your life.
Maybe you're snapping at your partner. Maybe you're withdrawing from friends because they "don't understand." Maybe you're struggling to be present with your kids because you're drowning in your own pain.
The people in your life want to support you, but they may not know how. And you might not have the energy to explain what you need.
What this looks like: You feel isolated even when surrounded by people. You're irritable and short-tempered with loved ones. You can't connect the way you used to. You feel guilty for being a "burden" or "bringing everyone down."
4. You're Experiencing Physical Symptoms
Grief lives in your body, not just your mind. Unprocessed grief can manifest as:
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
Changes in appetite (eating too much or too little)
Fatigue that rest doesn't fix
Headaches, chest tightness, or stomach problems
Feeling physically heavy or numb
If you're experiencing physical symptoms without a clear medical cause, grief might be the underlying issue.
What this looks like: Your doctor says everything checks out, but you feel terrible. You're exhausted all the time. You can't remember the last time you felt truly rested.
5. You're Struggling With Guilt, Anger, or Complicated Emotions
Grief isn't just sadness. It's often a confusing mix of emotions that can feel impossible to navigate alone:
Guilt over things you said or didn't say
Anger at the person who died for leaving you
Relief (especially if they were sick or suffering)
Numbness or feeling nothing at all
Feeling like you should be "over it" by now
These feelings are all part of grief, but they can be incredibly difficult to process without support.
What this looks like: You're ashamed of what you're feeling. You can't talk to anyone about the "bad" emotions. You're stuck in "what if" and "if only" thoughts that loop endlessly.
When Grief Becomes Complicated
Sometimes grief doesn't follow the path we expect. Complicated grief (also called prolonged grief disorder) happens when intense grief symptoms persist and interfere with your ability to function in daily life.
You might be experiencing complicated grief if:
It's been more than a year and your grief feels as raw as day one
You can't accept that your person is gone
You're having persistent thoughts that life isn't worth living without them
You've lost your sense of identity or purpose
Complicated grief responds incredibly well to therapy. You don't have to stay stuck.
"But Isn't Grief Supposed to Be Hard?"
Yes. Absolutely. Grief is supposed to be hard.
But here's what it's not supposed to be: completely isolating, physically debilitating, or something that prevents you from living any kind of meaningful life.
Grief counseling doesn't make your grief go away. It doesn't mean you're "giving up" on your person or trying to forget them. What it does is give you tools to carry your grief in a way that doesn't break you.
Think of it this way: if you broke your leg, you wouldn't just "tough it out" and hope it healed correctly on its own. You'd see a doctor who could help it heal properly so you could walk again.
Grief is the same. Sometimes we need help healing so we can move forward while still honoring what we've lost.
What Grief Counseling Actually Looks Like
A lot of people avoid grief counseling because they're not sure what to expect. Let me demystify it:
In grief counseling, we create a space where you can talk about your person without worrying about making others uncomfortable. We work through the complicated emotions that come with loss. We help you find ways to maintain connection to your person while also rebuilding your life.
I use approaches like narrative therapy (helping you tell and reshape your story), emotional focused therapy (processing the feelings that come up), and mindfulness-based techniques (managing overwhelming moments).
Most importantly, grief counseling is collaborative. You're not broken and I'm not here to fix you. We're partners in helping you navigate one of life's hardest experiences.
You Don't Have to Wait Until You're "Bad Enough"
One of the biggest myths about therapy is that you need to be in crisis to deserve help. That's not true.
You don't have to be at rock bottom to reach out. In fact, getting support earlier often means you don't reach rock bottom at all.
If you're reading this and thinking "maybe that's me," trust that instinct. Your grief doesn't have to meet a certain threshold to be worthy of support.
Taking the Next Step
Reaching out for help can feel vulnerable, especially when you're already feeling raw. But I promise you: grief is not something you have to carry alone.
At Evolving Through Grief Counseling Services, I provide online therapy throughout New York State. Whether you lost someone recently or years ago, whether your grief is from death or another kind of loss, there's space for you here.
I'm a real person who has sat where you're sitting. I lost my mom and was her caregiver during her mental health struggles. I'm also a mother. I know what it's like to grieve while trying to keep your life together.
If you're ready to talk, I am ready to listen. Click here to schedule a free consultation to see if we're a good fit.
You deserve support. Your grief deserves attention. And healing is possible while still honoring the person you lost.
Lindsay Fernandez, LMHC, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Long Island specializing in grief counseling, therapy for postpartum mental health, life transitions, and caregiver support. She provides online therapy throughout New York State through Evolving Through Grief Counseling Services. You can read more about her journey into mental health here here.
